In our efforts to be "kind and polite", we sometimes create more problems than we solve.
This was clear in a story my wife shared about a colleague - let's call her Kate - who was let go by a CEO of the company because of poor performance. Despite her struggles at work, Kate's manager tried to shield her from criticism, hoping Kate would improve with time. But in the end, Kate felt she had the worst work experience ever and blamed her manager for that in her farewell message.
While getting more and more details about the situation, I realized I had witnessed something similar before. An artist wasn't meeting our standards, and the art director told me she didn't want to work with him anymore: he was slow, not getting feedback right, his work had to be fixed by other artists, and in the end, it's a massive waste of time as he fails to step up. When I decided to follow up with him to hear his part of the story, he was shocked because he thought he was doing well, unaware that others were correcting his work. He said that no one ever told him that his work is terrible, on contorary, he was always praised for what he delivered. Furthermore, he started sending me screenshots of his conversations with the art director, where instead of direct feedback, he only received positive comments masked with smiley faces. It was true that his work was far from excellent, but no one ever explained what was wrong - so he couldn't improve!
These examples show a common problem: the need for clear and honest feedback. Managers should provide regular feedback so employees know where they stand and feel valued. Similarly, employees should be open to feedback to understand how they can improve and also be ready to give feedback to management (and it's up to management to ensure you have a forum established just for that). Because if we don't know what is wrong, how can we become better?
Still, one thing in Kate's story remained unclear: Kate and her manager were from the same countries, had the same working culture, and were of the same generation. What was not right there is that they both concentrated on what makes them different and emphasized that in their communication - which generally only sharpens the conflict. Moreover, the feedback Kate and her manager exchanged was always 1-on-1. No one else knew about Kate's performance. Kate thought she was doing fine as the manager didn't give her concrete examples or candid feedback that could help her to realize the problem, and she should have asked other people on her team, at least, if what she was doing was right. The manager thought that she did well by telling the CEO that everything was fine with Kate, hoping that Kate would "get the signals" from the gentle and soft feedback. This approach failed because the soft feedback didn't convey the seriousness of the situation, and in an attempt to not hurt Kate's feelings, the situation was pushed to a state that was hard to fix.
Conflicts like these remind us that both sides have a role in effective communication. Managers should ensure their feedback is clear and understood, while employees should seek clarity and different perspectives. It's, of course, important to care about people's feeling but we are doing business here, we are all grown up people and treating each other with respect but try to be honest - that is the best form of care for one's growth. Some may take the feedback more closely than others, but in the end, they will learn from it.
Lastly, we are all human beings that can make mistakes. The crucial part is to recognize and learn from them. And this is the exercise we should do together.
Ah, that mesmerizing feedback loop!
